Helping your aging parent

If you thought trying to find work-life balance before was a challenge, add an aging parent or two onto your plate. This is the reality that a lot of us will face if you aren’t currently in the middle of it or past that point. So, where do you start?

Well, there isn’t a manual and there are lots of moving parts for you to discover. In addition, there is a whole new vocabulary from IL, AL, SNF, CNA, MPOA, DPOA, DNR and so on, not to mention a whole slew of specialty physicians to meet. Hopefully you have a good relationship with your parents and supportive siblings to help embark on this adventure. If you do, you are blessed.

Start by taking a deep breath. This is going to be a marathon. Over the next several years and even more than a decade, you will be doing a variety of things to help your aging parents. There are several things you can do to position yourself to help them out.

First, recognize that you have your own life. Yes! It is absolutely OK to put your needs and those of your immediate family first, especially if you have young children. You may also have to put your work and your career first. That is not being selfish; it is taking care of you so you can be there for them.

Second, think realistically about the role that you can play to support them as they age. Keep in mind that this is going to be a long multi-year process where their needs are going to continue to increase. Will you be a direct caregiver? If so, when? Or is it better for you to be a project manager providing oversight for their care and ensuring they are safe in their homes and their needs are met? Be sure to consider the implications this has for the rest of your life responsibilities.

Once you have decided what the best role is for you to support your aging parent, the next, and sometimes, hardest step is to communicate that to them. Afterall, they have done so much for you during your whole life. You may feel you owe them, and they may even say things that tug at your heart. Keep in mind that you will serve them best if you have set boundaries, balance caring for yourself and taking care of your own family and career. Communicate with love, your intent to support them and your plan to modify that support as their needs change, but that overall, you will help coordinate their care rather than being a full-time caregiver if that is what you have chosen. Honestly, in my professional opinion, coordinating or project managing their care is the best approach.

The next step is to understand their financial situation, ensure their legal documents are in order, and understand what their wishes are should they be unable to care for themselves or speak up because they had a fall or a stroke. You need to know where everything is including their passwords (which may be in an envelope in the safe – you don’t need them now). You should know who the medical power of attorney is, and if it is you, take a photo of the form so it is always with you. There should also be a photo of the documents in their phone; especially, the DNR and Advanced Directives if they have them. Do the same with the remaining documents. Having these readily available will empower you during an emergency.

These are the first steps you should take to prepare yourself to help your aging parent. There are many more, like ensuring they are safe in their home or moving them to a safer living arrangement that supports their changing health needs. However, the most important steps are those of deciding the role you will play, the boundaries you set, and how to communicate lovingly with them what you’re able and willing to do to help them.